I am heading to court

By  Aba Saheed

I am very angry this morning. Very angry. I am raving mad. Mad to the marrow. The whole 5’5’’ height of mine from my feet to my head is shaking in anger. I cannot take it any longer. No. I will from now refuse to be abused, insulted and ridiculed by idiots and nincompoops who think they have the liberty to treat me any how and dress me in stinking robe.

They call me all sorts of names and employ the worst words in the dictionary to describe me. They say I am clueless. I am brutal and brutish. They say I have no human blood in my veins as if the blood in the beast is different from that in humans. They say I am senile. They say I am not educated at all. And yet I am able to dazzle and dribble them. They say I am senile and yet they see my hand in everything happening in the land.

I will continue to be the Emperor for as long as I choose and no power under the sun or even on top of the sun can uproot me from here. Some of my fiefs in my empire would always delude themselves that they installed me as Emperor and that, but for them, I would have been roaming the streets. Pshaw! If they knew how much strategy and subterfuge I deployed before snatching the coveted throne no one would ever open their rotten mouth to insult me. Nobody made me Emperor. Let me repeat for the umpteenth time that no person in this empire made me Emperor. And no one can remove me.

I have been pushed to the wall. My patience has been exhausted. I must go to court. And I am not going to the court where judges and magistrates can be bribed. I can accept other insults and take them in my stride. But two things I will not allow to stand: blackmail and libel. They say that my two wives ran away because my manhood weapon is as dead as dodo! I will challenge them in court to bring their mothers to test and taste my ferocious weapon. What they fail to realize is that man’s pendulum is inversely proportionate to his height. We short men have a lot of power packed into our basement and our height is stored downstairs.

It is unfair for my conquered serfs to continue to heap blames on me for everything that goes wrong in the empire. When I took over as Emperor did I promise I was going to be a magician? This is one of the issues we are going to slug out in court. All those accusing me of corruption and other governmental aberrations would have to prove in court that I, Emperor Gongoriko Goritotis ever stole a dollar from the empire’s till. They have to prove that they ever saw me offering bribes, receiving bribes, raping, killing or plundering any estate in the vast empire.

All those who have taken pleasure writing all sorts of rubbish against me, saying all sorts of things about my parentage, saying that I was not native to this empire or that my parents jumped down from the sky must prove these damning allegations in court.

I know I am not a tyrant. I am not a despot. I am not a dictator. I am not a butcher. I am not a bully. I know also that I am not deaf. I am not dumb. I am not blind. Those who attribute all those negative attributes to me would have their day in court soon. They have taken my gentility for stupidity. They have taken my golden silence for lack of communication skills. They fail to realize that it is only empty vessels that make the loudest noise.

The court is the final arbiter. The court will make its pronouncement on the indivisibility of this vast empire. The empire was made in heaven and unknown to all the clowns who have been preaching nonsense; I have been destined even before I was born that I will be the Emperor forever. This is why I laugh anytime some idiots claim that my ascendancy was due to their political rascality. The court will ask them why they have not been able to ‘uncreate’ me if they were the agents that ‘created’ me. They haven’t seen anything yet!

Nobody should stop me. Nobody can even stop me from going to court. Not any of my two wives can stop me. My children cannot stop me. My neighbours cannot stop me. None of those working with me, those whose livelihood depends entirely on my whims and caprices, can stop me. Trust them; they won’t even try knowing fully well that my sneeze will send shivers down their spines.

“What’s happening here?” My wife of 50 years burst into the washroom. “How could you have woken up in the middle of the night talking to yourself?” She grabbed my mobile phone which had kept me company for 30 minutes or so and discovered that I had been recording my own voice.

“My Lord and master, I hope you are not losing your mind!”

Aba Saheed is a renowned columnist

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